Goodbye to Shy

I'll warn you in advance, this post is long and is pretty much a semi-structured steam of consciousness. Lots of self disclosure and lengthy details lie ahead of you. Perhaps more than you actually ever wanted to know. All I ask in advance is for your respect on the topic. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Here's mine. Please, read on:

So it all started yesterday as I was sitting alone at the Cheesecake Factory eating dinner. Three things make this scenario bad - First, Cheesecake just is not a place people go alone. Second, eating dinner alone is miserable and feels unnatural. I grew up in a family that ate dinner together nightly. If nothing else, people should eat dinner together. Third, dinner is also a time when a lot of people are busy. Every night I call or text just about everyone in my frequent contacts, in hopes of some dinner company. Maybe once every 3 days does anyone ever answer or respond to me in any way. Fourth, yes, I am adding a fourth because it just occurred to me, ill planning and being that dinner is at the end of the day, my phone battery is always blinking red, meaning that I usually can't spend 30 minutes texting, browsing, or twittering. As you can see, these elements make for a rather melancholy and despondent dinner. Like the fancy words? Sounds like a thesaurus, right? Fact. I googled synonyms. I'll own up to it.

So as I left my favorite restaurant which I've decided should never be dined in alone, I was rather sad (that's my own adjective. Powerful!) and grumpy. I headed over to the Barnes & Nobel to pass the time between dinner and sleeping, for I had nothing else to do to fill the hours. Entering the big brown double doors was the beginning of my solitude revelation. Apparently, book stores are the place to be for the companionless. Every single seat in the book store was taken up by someone just sitting and reading, sipping a coffee, and just chatting with folks. The book store crowd was a nice one. Albeit, eclectic and sometimes quirky (again, my adjectives), they were nice, calm people. As one who doesn't enjoy meeting strangers in loud bars or in crowded gatherings, the bookstore people seemed much more approachable. In an effort to join them, I searched for a book to read myself.

First I grabbed a picture book on Atlantic City. As pretty much my favorite vacation of all time with many a fond memory, flipping through photos of AC in 2000 and their 1900 counterparts brought a flood of happy emotions to me. I was all smiles in the book store, curled up in my oversized chair. Also on my quest to find books, I perused the self help section. This is my favorite genre of literature, not because I think I'm a total nut case, but because I don't particuarly like reading as it's a big time commitment that totally inhibits multitasking. At least 30 minutes of reading some self-improvment lit allows me to feel like I learned something useful that I can then go out and apply to the world. Walking down the aisle, I saw another young man looking at similar books. It hit me that the self help aisle is NOT the place to meet friends or companions. I couldn't help but creepishly eye the title of the book in his hand, jumping to the assumption that he must have a severe case of whatever the title was. I couldn't see it, but I grabbed a book quickly and headed out of the aisle ASAP (read A-SAP, as that's how I'm saying it in my head as I write this).

The book I happened to pick up was called Goodbye to Shy. I'll admit this wasn't a total random grab, but I certainly didn't stick around long enough to thumb through it or read the back cover. Sitting down in my chair, I delved into the book.

Now, a sidenote. As mentioned previously in this lovely blog, I don't like talking to strangers at great length. I've never considered myself shy, per se, as I have no problem asking questions to most strangers, ordering food, talking on the phone, asking directions, etc. I also have no problem talking to strangers when its my job or its the role I am supposed to be playing. Fortunately, I can put on my Admissions hat and I'm Miss Friendly at schools, fairs, and airports. Whether I'm asking a person of authority a question, or someone asks me something, while I'm in a role of authority, I have no problem with stranger talk. However, as soon as both parties on a level playing field, I get tied up with my words and freak out. Conversations with my peers are the hardest. Give me the President of the US any day, but forcing me to talk to a random attractive guy on a bus is like asking me to dive off Niagara Falls. In general, quick conversations with purpose aren't of issue. It's the potentially extended small talk that gets me.

Back to the story. So I'm reading this book and get really into it. There were some rather useful tips. Here's a few paraphrased for my closet shys out there:

1. Practice eye contact - start with babies. They dont judge you. Then make eye contact with kids in grocery stores. Then teens. Keep going up the age brackets until it gets to hard, then skip to old people. No one ever smiles at old people. Make their day by smiling at them. They get to feel appreciated in the world, you get to practice eye contact.
   
2. When Making eye contact, said "I Like You" in your head. The time it takes to do this is a good amount of time for eye contact. It also makes your mind focus on something positive, not being scared of being judged. Your face will be positive too.
3. People like others who are high energy. Even if it's hard on a crappy day, tell yourself all you need is a 10 second zap of high energy when saying hi to a stranger.
   
4. Set a goal to smile or say hi to a certain number of people per day. If you meet it, treat yourself and up the ante the next day. Or have a friend set a goal and count for you. If you don't get the set amount, you owe them dinner.
5. Men should smile female strangers they like twice. When women get smiled at by new men, they are taught by society to look away. But when she looks back appx 45 seconds later, if you're interest is real, you should be looking at her, smiling and making eye contact.

Interesting, right? So I bought the book. I felt like I owed it to myself (and the store for taking up a seat for over an hour) to improve my shyness. Baby steps. So last night I went back to my hotel room and kept reading my book. Already in a chipper mood from a successful purchase, delicious piece of cheesecake waiting in my fridge, and the remnants of fond AC memories in mind, I went back to reading and realized that I was missing practical applications of new knowledge by sitting in my room. Like the book instructed, I challenged myself to get up, get dressed and go to kareoke in the bar downstairs. With friends, I would have been the first one there, but going to a bar alone is rather terrifying. I dont want to make small talk with strangers. I dont want to make friends. So I told myself I had to stay for one hour in the bar. Im proud to say mission accomplished. At first, I stood on the far back wall, looking like I just wandered in and was curious what was going on. The people on stage were having a ball, singing Love Shack and dancing around. Granted, everyone there was my parents' age, except for a young gay couple who had no interest in talking to me. In time, I crept forward, eventually finding a seat near the front of the stage. And so I sang along, gave loud applause and tapped my foot to the rhythm. While I didn't talk to a single stranger and didn't sing, I'd like to say going alone was a big step in itself. Success! It was probably the most fun I have had the last two weeks traveling. I wish it were happening again tonight. Later that night, I met three people in elevator, all on different trips. The first two made the first move and said hello to me. We chatted about the unique vibe the hotel offers and the weather and NJ in general. The third time, I said hello to the gentleman in the elevator with me. Baby steps.

Today, I couldn't resist reading my book at lunch. When my waiter arrived, I made some small talk about Friendly's Restaurants in my home state. A booth of two older women sitting next to me chimed in and noted that I was far from home. I chatted with them both for five minutes or so, all about my job, the places Ive been and those where I am headed, my future career plans and of course, my favorite small talk topic of the week - NJ left turns. (Today I actually saw a sign that said "Be Alert for Left Turns" .... like Moose X-ing or something, left turns are so rare, sometimes they pop up and then just hit you. Ridiculous.) I couldn't help but laugh as I looked down at the book on my table. The irony of it all. These ladies probably thought I was the most outgoing, sociable person in the whole state the way I was chatting it up. And to think I was reading a book on how to talk to strangers.

And so my learning experience continues. This job, while its a rewarding to see the world, make some spending money, an of course, promote a school I absolutely love, it is teaching me a lot of far more valuable skills and life lessons.

Now get out there and smile at a stranger.