Dear Diary, this is long. VERY long.

As promised a few days ago, the following is my self reflection on my last five weeks of travel season. I'm not completely in the deep, reflective mood right now at 10:30am on a Saturday, but I figure I own it to you, the reader, to follow up on my promises, and more importantly to myself, to do a little critical reflection. I suspect this will read more like a diary entry than an adventure blog, but it's relevant at this midway point. You've gotten to know my quirks, have a look inside my head, and heart, too. I've been making a Word document for days with things I should include in this entry, as I think there's been plenty of self discovery. Let's see how my bulletted list transfers into paragraph form:

Postscript: I just wrote all this and pasted it into Word. It goes onto the 5th page, single spaced. You've been warned. Twice. This isn't the funniest of the blogs.

First off, as previously mentioned, I think I've gained more pride in U- in the last 5 weeks. I love the school and loved the four years I spent there. Strangely, when I went back to campus last weekend to see friends, I felt like a stranger, like an outsider who didn't belong. The campus was no longer mine. I was presumably older than most of the people at the tables next to me in the Union. I had moved on and didn't even notice it. Not that I have any less U- spirit, I just need to reassess my role and relationship with the University. No one wants to be the grown up who graduated that won't leave campus. I don't want to be that person at all. Actually, I think this job was the perfect transition after graduation. I am still connected to the school, but now in a totally new way. It will help me with grad school applications and the future, but more importantly, it forced me to be away from the campus. I think if I had been living at home working at Panera or some ridiculous place, I'd be on campus a whole lot more. Being a U- student, without actually being a student. Reliving the past with the empty void of my student and RA identity. I am no longer a student leader. Just a leader, I suppose. Or maybe just me, for now.

A year ago at this time I was in the process of applying to graduate school. I was supposed to go to graduate school right after college. It had been in my 10 year plan since freshman year of college. I am a planner and an over achiever, so things always go according to my plan. If you had told me last October that in October 2010 I would be traveling around the country, I would not have believed you. I never had any desire to travel. The only desire I had was to stick to the plan. But as we all know, things don't always go according to plan. Or maybe they go to someone else's bigger plan, and not my own. I applied to four grad schools and got into the number 1 program in the country. I was essentially wait listed and then was given an offer in June. Anyways, I turned it down. I wasn't willing to pack up my life and move across the country in two weeks notice. My family and friends and life meant more to me than that. Some of you may not have known that I got in, because I kept it on the down low until I got a job. The last thing I wanted was for people to be saying behind my back, "Now she's jobless. She should have just taken the offer. What s screw up." But I got a job. An absolutely wonderful one that has given me so much more real world experience. Now, I can't imagine going to grad school as a doe eyed college senior. I think I am much more qualified this time around. So I will be reapplying, soon.

Since I've already opened this wound that I hate discussing, I might as well get it all out:" The six months of waiting for that offer to come around were some of the lowest points in my life. Never had my ego, self-esteem, and confidence been more crushed. I had always been told how amazing I was and how I could get into any school I wanted. Apparently, I wasn't amazing. My years and years of planning and being ahead of the game got me no where. It crushes you when your safety school says no after five months of waiting. Life pretty much sucked, for lack of a better word, and I didn't want to graduate. I didn't even want a graduation party, but was initially forced by my mom, as celebrating was "the right thing to do." I don't ever ever want to go back and relive those six months of misery and crying alone in my bed, so I'm am absolutely terrified to apply again. I've put it off as much as I can, but I know someday I have to do the applications. But with the tears in my eyes right now, this isn't the time. If nothing else, I know now NOTHING is a sure thing. Always always have back up plan. Or two. And never expect anything.

Despite my misery and self-pity sessions, through all of it I had some absolutely incredible friends who stuck by me as I cried daily on the phone. As I banned discussion of graduation, grad school, med school, and jobs from any and all conversation. On a regular day, about 5 people on campus, asked where I was going to school next year, had I heard back? And every time I had to answer that question, I had to stifle tears and and fake a smile and keep walking. I cried once at the doctor's office when he asked me. It's not normal to cry when people say "How ya doing? Excited for Graduation?" I wish people wouldn't ask that. I know they were trying to be nice. But it wasn't helpful for me to remember it all 5x a day when another mentor asked me on the sidewalk. I tried to smile and be cheerful but it all came completely crashing down this one night when we had an RA lecture on who’s going to save the person doing all the saving. And how being sad and depressed was okay and you could ask for help. The flood gates opened. No. More like just completely broke. The dam exploded and months of emotions I'd been bottling up came spilling out. All over the place. Never in my life have I made such a scene. I was mortified that I was covered in mascara and had been wiping my nose on my sweatshirt for an hour. Ew. It was like a movie. I didnt know people could cry that hard. I actually ran out of the lecture hall and hid underneath a tree until someone found me against my will. Another thank you to A.A for dealing with me that night and saving the day. And to K for lots of follow up calls and support and to A.M & J for taking duty for me. I love you guys. And I'm still teary-eyed just reflecting on this. I'm so glad it's over. I never though I could be this happy 6 months later.

But now, moving on to a much much happier note, this job was the perfect next step and I am ever so appreciative of my incredibly supportive friends. I think people worry about losing friends after graduation. I was expecting some people to fade away, slowly distance themselves. But taking a good luck at it, I can say that I am fortunate enough to have gotten closer to many of my friends. People who were once more acquaintances have become some of my best friends and my previously closest friends have maintained their standing, just in different stages of life. I talk to some people daily now who I haven't spoken to this much in 3 years and I consistently even talk to someone in Europe. Yes, a few have slowly faded away, but I am genuinely surprised and totally appreciative at the effort people make to contact me on their own will. I certainly have a fantastic group of friends who I can text when I am bored and call when I am desperate and standing on a street corner (Inside joke. No, Mom, I'm not a prostitute. Don't worry.) I now have a lot more time on my hands to talk to people and genuinely care what they have to say. Not that I didn't care about my friends before, but with so many extra curricular activities, I was always pulled in 30 different directions. I spent 6 months worrying about myself and now is the time I can give back and make an effort to help my friends. That's what friends are for. While far from being the perfect friend, I'm trying to be supportive and loving and more appreciative of having them in my life. Without my friends, I don't know where, or who I'd be for that matter. Dr. D always disagrees with me, but there's a song quote that comes to my mind often. "You are what you lean on." It's from Shine by Trey Anastasio. I have to agree. I fully lean on a fabulous support system and love from family and love. Without you all, a huge part of my identity would be different.

I think traveling all over and missing my friends and family, the birthday parties, the momentous occasions, and little events, has made me want to go to grad school closer. No more than a two to three hour drive home. Yes, a good education is important. And the good schools are further away. But what good is an education if you miss out on so much that matters more? Even if I don't have a million dollar degree, I will have the love and support of family and friends and the memories of times we got to spend together. Because I was there. At family birthday parties, chaperoning field trips, and being there to hug someone when they needed to be cheered up. Money isn't everything. And it doesn't buy happiness. My current front runners for grad school are UMass, UConn, and CCSU. Not in that order.

While I’ve enjoyed traveling the country, I think I have gained a greater appreciation for New England. I never particularly liked the Northeast because I always thought another place would have better weather, nicer people, and over all greener grass. Get it? On the other side? Had to throw some slightly witty comment into a serious blog. Turns out the rest of the country is just as boring, hotter, and no better off than New England. Sure, I’ve met nice people, but I don’t think the people as a whole have been any nicer than those at home. Texas had a lot of nice people with good manners, but not enough to make me move to hot hot hot weather with huge highway overpasses. People in New England certainly speak more properly, which I hate to say it, but it gives the impression that New Englanders are more intelligent. More to come on this soon. And I like that you could probably see 6 states in a day. And the big snow capped mountains or warmer beach weather are both within a days drive. I’m no fan of the snow, but the beautiful fall and spring outweighs it. I like the smell of fall, fresh apples, and the New England spirit. I think we’re typically more liberal as well and accepting and aware of more lifestyles outside of our own, but that could be a sweeping generalization. I’m chalking it up to the fact that we have so many universities and international businesses in a five hour radius.

One big thing I have definitely noticed in my travels is the significant differences in a high school education people receive in different parts of the country. Mind you, I only went to high schools where the AVERAGE SAT score was at least a 1050. A pretty decent score. I wasn’t even at inner city schools where averages were really low. Imagine how much worse what I am about to say is if I even saw the full spectrum of schools. I think everyone in the US should know New England is not a state. It’s a region. In the Northeast. Just like the Midwest is a region. I don’t expect people to know capitals or even to name every state in the region, but this seems like basic knowledge to me. What are they actually teaching in schools if this isn’t being taught? Do the textbooks ever say New England? They must. Some rather significant things happened there. So what are on earth do students think when they read it? That it’s the city next to London? Growing up, I never thought that my high school gave me the very best education, but it turns out it’s a lot better than others. And for that I should be grateful. Similarly, there’s a huge gap between a lot of the public schools I have visited and the private schools. Side note, why on earth do Catholic schools require women to wear short short skirts every day?! I’m talking SHORT skirts that girls in my high school would have been sent home for wearing! Show your butt cheeks if you so much as pick up a pencil off the ground. Most private schools allowed men to wear any pair of black or khaki pants and black shoes. Most schools required girls to wear very specific shoes, knee highs, and skirts. Disgustingly Sexist. My daughter will not be forced to wear a miniskirt, to please the patriarchy of catholic schools. Only one school allowed the girls to wear pants and it may not have been a Catholic school. I can't remember. This is 2010 people. We wear pants. And sometimes we wear the pants in the relationships. Get used to it. I’m a feminist and proud of being treated as an equal. By the way U-, a major institution, has more women right now getting bachelor’s degrees then men. Take that, patriarchy. Education.

Maybe I’m totally naive but I was expecting life to be incredibly different in other parts of the country. I was expecting southern hospitality and strong accents. In reality, there wasn’t much difference in the way people spoke. I think I heard an older gentleman (the evil wizard actually) said “the busses are fixin to leave” but I never heard anyone say "y`all" or "howdy". No one with thick accents that I couldn’t understand and really no one called me out on speaking differently. We’re a country of transplants and people move to follow jobs and family members. The South of yesteryear is gone and so is the difference in lifestyle. Sure, they have different fast food restaurants and different department stores, but they also have a lot of the same things. It hit me, bizarrely, in a TJ Maxx dressing room one day. I was a thousand of miles from home, but the way you try on clothes at this TJ Maxx is the same way you ask to try them on elsewhere. People are people, with more similar lifestyles than different, all across the world. I think in school we were always taught to value diversity and look at people for how they are different, but in reality, there’s a lot more similarity between all of us. Except in Jersey, where you apparently can’t make left turns. Weird.

I’ve definitely gotten better at air travel, utilizing technology for its full capacity, and being alone, but in the past 5 weeks I have realized I am definitely not a “sit at the bar and talk to strangers next to me” person. I think it’s weird and I’m okay that I am not that person. I may never be and that’s totally fine. I’m not crying in my booth sitting alone, reading blogs and news articles on my phone. I’m less shy than I was and that’s progress enough.

I also still don’t like cities and don’t want to like them. I never did and this traveling hasn’t made me change my mind at all. They’re loud and busy and just too much for me. Give me a house in the suburbs, with a front porch and a yard for the kids to play in where they can still be kids. I don’t want a store right next to my yard and I don’t want people getting shot down the street. Keep me far away from cities. However, I previously thought I wanted to live in the country, but now that I have seen what country really, I don’t want to live there either. I’d love to live near a farm, maybe in a small-ish town, but I want to be within 10 minutes to a highway. Not cut off from civilization. I want wireless connections and restaurant options and modern amenities and up to date facilities. I don’t want to be totally without street lights, but I don’t want to be on a street corner in a city that never sleeps. Essentially, I really like where I live. My state is great, though I’d like to move a little more south in it. A little less snow there.

I’m almost done here. I know this is super long, but you have made it this far, so just hang on a little longer. In 5 weeks, I’ve also reaffirmed that higher education is what I want to be doing with my life. I love this job, but I don’t think I could be an admissions rep for the rest of my life. In the end, it’s sales. And that doesn’t help people as directly as much as I want to. I want to make a difference in people’s lives directly. Through one on one guidance. I try to think of my current job as a helping position, just not in a direct way. If I lied about U- or tried to tell everyone it was the perfect school for them, there would be a lot of unhappy people at U- who were getting something they didn’t sign up for. No point it making miserable students. If the students I talk to don’t end up at U-, that’s fine. Plenty others will apply. Sometimes I talk to students who really don’t want a big school or to be so far from home. Completely understandable. I try and just give them some general pointers. Regardless of where you apply to, be sure to consider this or write this on the application. Even if we don’t get their money, I think they’ll leave with some good thoughts in their head that the U- rep was helpful and therefore U- people must be nice. Big conclusions, right? But that’s my goal. Just making sure students are happy somewhere and getting a good education so they can run American tomorrow.

For the last four years or so, even though I have been dead set on Student Affairs at the higher education level, I’ve always keep teaching in the back of my head. My goal is to teach at the college level on the side – like a First Year seminar course or student leadership class, but I can’t help but think that I might end up teaching at a high school someday. I don't really have any interest in a specific subject and I don’t want to teach little kids, but I might do some substituting one day. Or maybe some career counseling work at the high school level. Maybe when I retire or when my kids are in school. Who knows. But that thought is staying put, tucked away in the back of my brain. I really just love helping people.

And finally to wrap this up, there’s one person who didn’t get mentioned a whole lot in this blog entry and I am sure she’s wondering where her name is. So here’s a whole special paragraph devoted to my mom for all of her help these past five weeks. I might have been able to go to the schools, but I wouldn’t have had any money or support and I’d be totally bored on my road trips. She figures out all the credit card issues, occasionally gets me directions when the GPS fails me, and makes sure I am alive. I love you Mom and thank you for all your behind the scenes support.

And now back to the comical adventures. I just spilled my soda....just kidding, but it's likely to happen. It's been a while.